Growing up Brown, Female & Muslim

This blog is about me wearing the hijab as a child, experiencing racism and hating my religion because of it. However, I experience something even bigger and find my love for my hijab again. 

When I was a child I used to wear a head scarf. For those of you that may not know, a headscarf is a head covering worn by Muslim females as part of religious and cultural requirements.

I was in primary school and lived in a white folk area. I think the 7/7 bombing had happened and tensions were up in the air.

Class mates and other pupils in my school were angry and went as far as calling me the P word when I was at school. Heck I even had my head scarf tugged on and pulled off when I was at school.

And when I was out in the streets playing outside at our local shops with my mum, people mostly men would point, make fun of us and call us names.

I hated wearing a headscarf so bad that I would pretend to wear it at school. I did this by wearing it to and from school but removing it as soon I was in class.

For years I hated being me and because of the way other people treated me, I saw this as my value and believed it.

However, I have never so much missed my headscarf until a couple of days ago when I went to the store to but some sanitary pads. 

In regards to context, I was wearing black Jean's, a black top which shows the top of your shoulders and collar bones. Not that this matters. I had my mask on and walked into the store with my gloves in too because you know- its coronatime!

As I was minding my own business trying to shop, there was a south Asian man who just stopped next to me and started to stare at me. I could literally feel his gaze and it made me feel vulnerable. I ignored it and made my way to the queue. As I waited in line, he brushed past me and hurried out of the store. I was a little annoyed he kept looking back at me but was glad he had left.

My guard down now, I exited the shop and that's when I saw him again. He was waiting near the exit and his face lit up when he saw me. I know this because he was grinning right at me. I lifted an eyebrow at him and stared back at him and rolled my eyes hoping he would realise his behavior was pissing me off. But still I ignored him and walked away to my car. 

My car was parked 7 minutes away by foot, and during those minutes, I would look back and he was still there. He was following me and watching me. I have never felt so naked in my life. I was scared.

When I thought I couldn't see him anymore, I hid in a shop for saftey, I didnt want him to follow me to my car because then only lord knows what could have happened. When the coast was clear I stepped out of the shop and you guessed it he was there, now he had a bike with him and was riding towards me, he then stopped when he saw me and got off his bike. I quickly got my phone out and tried to take a picture of him. I think this scared him because as he slowly walked past me. He then got back on his bike and rode off. 

I waited in the shop after that for what seemed like a lifetime. 

I then worked up my courage, and quickly walked to my car. My car was now 3 minutes away and during that time, I looked everywhere in case he was hiding and waiting for me.
I was beyond paranoid.

Luckily he wasn't anywhere to be seen, but as soon as I got back into my car I locked it and began crying.
I was a former cop, I knew self defence and how to stand my ground but all of this didn't matter. At that time I felt like more than anything like a scared little girl. I felt like a rabbit being hunted by a fox. I did not feel safe and was terrified. I did not recognize myself, I surprised my self. 

But I realised, it does not matter who you are, what you do or how strong you are. Being a woman changes that. Being a woman is hard you know, my biggest fear isn't getting murdered or failing at life, it's getting raped.

And in that moment I understood what it's like to be a women. Woman are so many things, they can do anything men can do bleeding! They are compassionate and inspiring, brave and scary yet soft and delicate like a bomb.

When contemplating all of this, a quote by Casandra Clair came flooding into my mind. She once said "men maybe stronger but it is women who endure". And she is right. But why must we endure? Why must we take their crap?

I can stand up for any other woman but cant stand up for myself, that's is scary.

And now after this experience, I have decided to cover myself from the  world. The outside world doesn't deserve me. 

The creep knew what he was doing was wrong but he did it anyway. Bystanders saw him doing what he did but ignored it. I am someones daughter and sister, I could have easily been their daughter or sister.

I did record myself on my phone because I wanted to remember how vulnerable I felt and to try to overcome it. However, once I start my podcast, I will share it with you all then.

This is the man who hurt me. 

He probably has no idea of how he made me feel. But to all of you men out there, if your advances are rejected then please let it be. Leave us alone and do not make is feel uncomfortable. 

To you it might feel like a game or a typical Friday night out and you may think this behaviour isnaccepted, but it is not. Think: would you do this to your sister, mother or girlfriend?

And if you see someone being harassed on the street please speak up and intervene.  

So I have now decided to wear a burka to hide myself from greedy eyes, I hope that by doing this that I feel safer when I am outside in my own. 

Though my family fears I could get attacked for wearing one, because despite Islam being a peaceful religion everyone seems to hate us. 

I would actually rather be called a terrorist than show my face or body to anyone in public when I am alone. Let that sink in.

I would like to hear about what you think. Do you think I am disrespecting the burqu because I am only wearing it to feel safe when I am alone outside, or do thou think what I decided is okay.

Do you think I am overreacting?

Let me know what you think.